When my story cracks deep ... a madwoman appears

Fear ...
I would like to think of myself as a warrior when I do any consciousness work, and yet I get to see the presentation taking on a different persona, one that I did not quite expect...

The fear that surprises me the most, is the fear that I am not fully aware of, a story that has not been as conscious in my de-constructing ... and with the surface of something so hidden, my approach, my initial reaction has been ... what can I say but surprisingly mad ...

The other evening, fear was everywhere ... lurking ... and it was lying in me ... undercover ... unaware ... until a harmless sentence ... a projection, turned the projector rolling on ...

I became split, two mad women ... a madwoman feeling close to insane and a mad woman full of anger ...

It was like being stuck in a horror show ...
the evil clown lay there waiting, lurking behind the curtains, around the corner, with a twisted smile, a painted face ... waiting to grab me and take me down, down, down into the darkness.
A nightmare of my own making, a movie featuring PAM.

Finally captured, with no where to go ... finally willing to see and feel, to take a long dedicated look at the sinister clown, the hallucination before me ... to be willing to listen to what it had to say, and to feel the sheer terror inside of myself.

The clown, my fear, my darkness, behaving in the same manner I have chosen to behave in the past. My deep fear does not just show up and present itself with open arms ... it runs me in the same manner I have run myself. It shows up like I show up, it behaves like I behave, it manipulates like I manipulate, it denies, hides and cries to be heard just like I do.

And to hear it speak, to no longer run ... is to witness my horror show and to feel the terror that has been embedded within me.

No wonder why I want to scream ... everything within me is trying to be heard, my beliefs, my story, and my feelings that have been buried in my thoughts and in my body. They are no longer being controlled in the same manner ... they are all jockeying for position with strength and they are gaining power. To not listen to them makes me feel like I am going mad, becoming insane, a madwoman of sorts as there is simply to much to contain and to much to deny.

And ... when I stop and listen to them, to my story, to my belief, to my feelings ... I feel the madness within me ... and a mad woman appears ... with tears in her eyes and a clenched jaw ... revealing the sadness and the anger involved.

Yes ... when my story cracks deep, a madwoman and a mad woman appear.
I am able to experience both persona's as I fight between denying and listening to my fear.

I welcome the day when I see my fear in a manner that aligns with my growth and acceptance of myself. When it no longer needs to have a face of a clown lurking, demanding to be heard, but a warrior standing, strong.

When I can embrace the woman before me quickly and cleanly with one deadly strike, one huge HUG of love.